The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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