i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
