we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
