I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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