Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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