Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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