I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I smell like Dick and happiness
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