I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
