i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
