Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize