We got so high we made milksteak
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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