This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
