i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We're too hungover to prance.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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