There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
