guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
we should paint friendship bongs
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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