And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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