Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
