apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
