guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
