I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
