I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
sex in a hospital.. check
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize