I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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