I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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