yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my phone needs a breathalizer
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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