Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize