I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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