we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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