I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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