I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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