I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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