I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
