I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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