Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize