She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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