The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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