Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
