we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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