I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
