Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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