New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
