Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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