I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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