The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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