if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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