Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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