You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I supernannyed him into submission
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
