Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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