Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
