I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
