i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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