paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
