I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
