My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
