Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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