I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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