I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
