I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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