her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
COCAINE IS GR8
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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