Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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