Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
