Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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