I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
