she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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