I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
