my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
