I didn't shave. On purpose
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
