dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This baby is an asshole
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize